Auto-Phile #86 – THE PLAYBOY SUBMISSION - by Tom Wilson Tuesday, August 02, 2005 – draft a

Your Auto-Phile, ever a budding journalist, seldom published, has a filing cabinet full of writings – articles, poetry, humor, short stories, good story ideas, bad story ideas, rejection letters, (trash)…it just goes on and on. But, it also contains forgotten surprises! For example, I found the following letter and manuscript, obviously intended in May of 1999 to be sent to Playboy Magazine. I don’t find any rejection letter, and there is no evidence on file that the thing was ever sent to Playboy, and I am SURE that it was never published! We herewith share this missive and manuscript with Auto-Phile readers this month, before getting back to the serious business of Automobile collection and driving in the State of Michigan.

Mr. David Stevens, Editor
Modern Living Dept. Playboy
680 North Lakeshore Drive
Chicago, Illinois 60611

Sir:

Please find enclosed an unsolicited manuscript for a proposed “Modern Living“ article for Playboy magazine. I hope you enjoy reading it. I enclose a few pictures - some photos and an ad. I realize that the bulk of these are probably not suitable, or in one case, legal for publication. My purpose in sending them is to inspire suitable artwork that might accompany the article.

Your comments, criticisms, etc., may be sent to me directly, via the internet, to: kfnut@umich.edu. My telephone number is (734) 434-5581.

Best wishes for the summer, and above all, happy motoring.

Sincerely, Tom Wilson

Copyright, 1999, Thomas J. Wilson



THE ULTIMATE MAKEOUT WHEELS - by Tom Wilson

When I was a kid, I thought that when I grew up, I would buy a new car. As it turned out, I did neither. In the ensuing years, I have owned 41 cars, three vans, and two pickup trucks, all used (oops, PREVIOUSLY OWNED!). It always seemed that soon I would eventually be able to buy a brand-spankin’ new car, but every time my income increased, or re-appeared, as the case may have been, and I thought I had enough money for a new car, it seemed that the price of anything in the showrooms that appealed to my finicky taste was by then twice the amount of money available. In the meantime, small projects fixing up older cars ate away at my funds enough to make the prospect of monthly new-car payments seem ominous.

And so, as Chrysler “Hemis”, Firebirds, K-cars, and now Vipers left me in the dust at traffic lights over the years, my taste mutated, transmogrified, and atrophied, leaving preferences not common in any field, whether it be antique, muscle, classic, contemporary or funny car, although you may soon decide that that last appellation may apply to my taste. Thus the average BMW or Auto-loving Playboy reader will frown (or barf) at the notion that my corral has sheltered the likes of Kaiser, Crosley, Rambler, and even a three-wheeled Davis. No, sorry I have never owned an Edsel…but give me time…and a bigger space in my garage!*

Well then, what does the typical fast-living, sophisticated, gentlemanly Playboy reader have to benefit from reading my scrawlings in this esteemed publication? Gather ‘round, ye bearers of Diner’s Club Cards, with brie and cognac on your breath, while I warp your automotive tastes into shape and save you more money than you will need for that new zoot suit you’ll want to wear when hitting the swinging clubs during the upcoming social season!!

Premise: Why pay $50,000- plus for a car to impress people (especially beautiful women!) when you can easily turn the trick for under $5,000? (No, I am not advising you to buy an old, beat up, red Ford pickup like Sam Walton has! You probably don’t even look like Sam anyway, and besides, he’s dead! No, it is not quite THAT simple! The issue here is to pick out something NOBODY has. (or wants!)

Let us be empirical, and perform a simple hypothetical test: First, go to the nearest BMW dealership and hot-wire the first 351-I (or whatever number it is this year) convertible…hurry up, I’ll wait- - - - - - - - - - O.K., now go to the “Antique car” or even the “budget wheels” column of your local newspaper, and scan for a really snappy-looking ad - one that catches your eye. Some examples: 1978 AMC Matador wagon: $800.00; or perhaps -- 1972 Lincoln Town Car, needs new front spring & and exhaust system, $1200.00. Whichever,…go buy it. Now take the two cars ( you’ll need a friend to help you, unless you are adept with a tow bar and one of the cars has enough pep to tow the other) over to the nearest swing, jazz & blues, or disco club. Your choice will depend on how long it takes you to read this article, “Club” trends change quickly, though “swing” seems to be in favor I as I write this. Then put on the zoot suit you bought with the money you are going to save by reading this article - (that’s what that Diner’s Club card is for!), and timing yourself, spend alternating 20-minute periods lounging by each of the cars.

In a trice, well, two or three hours, you will have conclusively proved to yourself the approximately five times as many persons (including numerous and gorgeous females) will approach you and open up friendly avenues of conversation while you are standing by the old heap as when your are draping your masculine charms over the “hot” Bimmer. If you aren’t satisfied, try it again the next night with a Lexus! (Same procurement method, assuming the local constabulary had not connected with you regarding the previous night’s activities!)

Having thus established the verity of my premise, I now proceed with a recommendation for the reader, both swain and sophisticate, for the “correct” and non-wallet-slimming vehicle that will convey you into a life of continuing prestige and ecstasy! As you read the following suggestions, please try not to cringe too much here. Remember, we are trying to save you so much money so that you will be able to afford the necessary contraceptive devices, exotic liqueurs, airline tickets to the tropics, and if necessary, Viagra to sustain your life style until the next time your time-worn transportation needs to be replaced, which, come to think of it, may not be all that long!

RECOMMENDED RIDES:

Late-model 1965-67 American Motors convertible. Be sure that you get a a bright color. Believe me on this one – Last year I bought such a car, bright yellow, and within 20 minutes of possession, I was accosted by two young lovelies at the gas station before I could even gas the car up to drive it home! Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your viewpoint, my wife was 75 feet away in her Oldsmobile sedan, having taken me to pick up the car! Flamboyance is the word here. Be sure the car has enough paint left on it to wash up to a good gleam, but if it doesn’t, buy a gallon of varnish, coat the car with the varnish, and just blame the paint shop: (“They did such a beautiful job on my Rolls Royce – I just can’t get over it!) Approximate cost: $1,000-$5000.

A car with a name starting with the letter “K.” This is an important criterion, as no regularly-made cars today start with the letter “K.” It doesn’t matter if you can’t spell the name…just look for the big letter “K” on the front of the car. How can you go wrong at the disco when you wow them with a King Midget, (un-restored, of course, we can’t get too much money into this - it just has to run!), Kissel, Klink, Klondike, Klieber, Knox, Krit, Kurtis, or Kaiser! Approximate cost: $1000-$5000.

Anything with a really obsolete name. DeSoto carries the weight of sufficient antiquity, but Hudson, Packard, or Studebaker will suffice. Remember to keep the price low and the fins high! Extra public response may be expected for models that have more than 50% of the car’s surface plastered with chrome. If some is missing, just get some aluminum foil, scissors, and glue and fake it, - this can be commented on with ”I have them on order from California,” or even better…”You know how bad those parts are from the big outfit in Chicago!” Approximate cost: $1000-$5000.

Anything with a weird configuration. Examples: an unusual door of hatch-back configuration, a different number of wheels, a roof that slides down, removes by hand, or peels off accidently in a high wind. We’ve had some luck meeting charming new friends with a three-wheeled car, but you might do just as well at the B & J club driving up with a 1950s utility model with a canoe and couple of paddles projecting out from the rear end. Even if they don’t dig the car, some of the gung-ho outdoorswomen will spring for the canoe! You can’t do that with a BMW Boxter, baby! Advantage: Car need not even be clean! Approximate cost: $1000-$5000.

And finally,get the cheapest thing you can get, or the most expensive exotic you can get that has become dirt cheap, (definitely within the range of this treatise, for the extremes of the various budget-ranges of Playboy readers. Right now, the choices from tonight’s Detroit Free Press are between a “1987 Ford Aerostar, 6-cylinder, needs trans work, runs $350” (If the sheer ugliness of this vehicle doen’t grab the spectators, the clanking of the transmission should do the trick!) And a “1970 Lincoln Continental Mark III 2-door, 30,000 orig. mi., blk, exc. Cond. $5950,” (a car known for its superlative length, but don’t be misled by coy ladies who approach you – they may actually be undercover policewomen trying to entrap you for pimping!)

Oops, we almost forgot:

You can always buy a 1947-51 Playboy! They are convertibles, too, but you’ll have to do a bit of looking – they only made 93 of them.!
“””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””
Tom Wilson has written as an Occupational Analyst for the State of Michigan, served as Editor of the Kaiser-Frazer Quarterly, The Kaiser-Frazer Monthly Bulletin, The Davis Tripod and Three Wheeler, The Davis Registry bulletin, Published as the “Auto-Phile” in the Dundee (Michigan) Independent, and been featured in The Automotive Humorist, Old Cars Weekly, Antique Automobile, and Special Interest Autos. Wilson currently has four antique cars on loan to auto museums in the Midwest, has been spending over 10 years trying to cram a 1951 Kaiser body onto a 1970 IHC Scout chassis, and lives with his wife, Vivian, near Ypsilanti, Michigan.

*I still don’t have the Edsel!